Contact me if you would like me to give a presentation on my research!
In 2016, I conducted a sex survey online using an anonymous questionnaire, supplemented with in-depth personal interviews. I was researching something that no one had ever done before: the attitudes of a sexually minority group of Christians who take their religion seriously and practice it on a daily basis. Many predicted that the research would fail because no one would comment, but it didn't. In the end, I had to select the couples who came forward because I did not have the capacity to interview everyone in depth.
A study based on quantitative and qualitative research methods
I have never published
even though the media were already asking for it. I have now decided to make the results of the research public. I am looking forward to hearing from the cultural centres and municipalities that would like to know more about this.
Here is the first in a series of articles:
https://talita.hu/magazin/kutatas-kereszteny-parok-szexualis-eleterol-1/
(also available below the picture at the bottom of the article)
I will talk not only about my past research, but also about my ongoing research. In the course of the presentation, I will discuss what new sexual habits teenage boys have picked up. If this is not changed, in the long term it will be the can also cause the extinction of society. The lecture is especially recommended for parents and teachers of young children!
Part 2 of the article series:
https://talita.hu/magazin/kutatas-kereszteny-parok-szexualis-eleterol-2/
(also available below the picture at the bottom of the article)
Article 1:
In 2016 I decided to take a big step forward: I decided to research the sex lives of Christian couples. Not many people encouraged me when I started: they predicted that no one would respond, even anonymously to the questionnaire, let alone face-to-face to the in-depth interview questions.
People generally think that Christians consider sex a sin before marriage, but in some cases even within marriage. Sex is mostly associated with prohibitions and restrictions, and although "don't talk about it" is not among the commandments, no one will speak out anyway. Yet I have stuck to this subject and to this - let's say: sexually speaking, even a minority - group. The reason I call Christians a minority in the sexual sense is because their attitude to sex is different from that of the majority of society. Many outsiders, of course, think that Christians do not observe religious rules on sexuality. Indeed, it is impossible to be 100% sure, but anyone who has ever been in a Christian community will find that they take this issue seriously: they try to follow the rules. There are communities where sexual misconduct is severely sanctioned: anyone who does not comply can be expelled from the congregation or (small) church. Neither this nor the (imagined or real) wrath of God is risked by many people who break the rules, but many people observe the prohibitions not out of fear but out of devotion, commitment and love for God.
Some may argue that "the answers are not honest anyway", because anything can be questioned, even the question mark of the thing being questioned. But to dwell on this is to make no progress. So I suggest that it is worth voting confidence in both the survey respondents and the analyst.
How the "Christianity and Sexuality" research started
First, I created an anonymous questionnaire that I posted on the Internet to all the online Christian community groups I could find. I was also afraid that no one would fill it in because of the sensitivity of the subject. After all, the theory and practice of sexuality is pretty much taboo among Christians, and if there were seminars on sexuality, they were basically about purity and prohibition, about when and how long it was not allowed. I couldn't find a single seminar on healthy sexual practice in marriage on the web before I went to Talita's event on family planning. There, the organisers managed to get a couple to speak who were able to speak frankly, albeit tangentially, not only about childbearing but also about the specifics of sex life. The organisers of the event thought that no one would come to the lecture, but the large hall was packed to capacity. This was an encouragement for me to bring the subject, which had been swept under the carpet for so long, to the surface.
I was pleasantly surprised when I collected the data: my anonymous questionnaire received a large number of responses, 76 people filled it in.
It is interesting because I have also explored intimate questions of a depth that is almost worthy of a qualitative methodological research. After that, I only needed two couples from different churches and communities to give me their honest opinion in the form of an in-depth interview. Then I had another surprise: I had a record number of applicants and even an oversubscription. In my in-depth interview, I compared representatives of the largest historic churches with a lesser-known small church, the Unification Church (a church based on Christian tradition but based on private revelation - ed.). Both churches have their own particular and specific sexual ethics: the Catholic Church's is the so-called Humanae Vitae and the Uniting Church's is the Principle. I will read these works in detail and elaborate on them, and in my commentaries I will highlight the moments that are relevant to the topic of my research.
My research can be niche, unique and surprising in places, and I'm putting together a short series of articles summarising it.
The questions of the questionnaire (the answer options are not detailed here):
Which church/denomination/community are you a member of?
How long have you been a believer/religious?
Do you practice your religion?
Sex, Age, Education, Place of residence
The name of the sex-ethical teaching (if any) issued by your party:Do you think that the many sexual prohibitions are driving seekers away from Christianity?
Would there be many more Christians if there were no sexual prohibitions?
If you are an adult convert, which statement is true?
In your opinion, do young Christians go into marriage as virgins?
Is it important for (Christian) young people to enter marriage as virgins?
Is the primary purpose of sex procreation?
Is sexual pleasure a gift from God?
Should I use contraception?
Is your sex life affected by any distressing thoughts?(multiple answers possible)
If you don't have the tormenting thoughts of religiosity, what is that due to?
Where would you place yourself on this scale if you had to choose between the two? Faith/religion 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9 Sex life.... (on a scale)
How would you describe your sex life?
In your opinion, how often do Christian couples have sex?
How often do you have sex?
Do you think the number of sexual encounters is sufficient?
How do you rate your sex life?
Can you talk to your partner about your sex life?
Have you ever asked a professional for help with relationship or sexual issues?
Please mark the sexual problems you have heard about!
Please indicate the sexual problems you have experienced.
Is your partner satisfied with your sexual relations?
How does your partner express if they are not satisfied with your sexual relations?
What aphrodisiac or sexual aid do you use?
What was the longest time between two sexual acts in your marriage?
How often do you masturbate?
How does masturbation affect your sex life?
Do you discuss your sexual experiences with someone?
How often do you think about sex?
Do you have sexual desires and fantasies that you will never fulfil because of moral considerations?
Does your job affect your sex life?
What is your state of mind?
Is your marriage sexually what you planned and dreamed it to be?
Know someone who needs sexual counselling or advice?
Article 2
My basic assumption was this: Christians have to deal with many more sexual problems than others. I was open to my own assumption, I was either going to prove it or disprove it. I will find out by the end of this series, but in the meantime I am curious to hear your views: have I proved or disproved my premise?
I edited an anonymous questionnaire, which I distributed online. I received 76 responses, the vast majority of which were from the Catholic Church. Members of many denominations and congregations did not participate in the survey in any way. In addition to the many refusals, it was encouraging that a group of Catholics not only shared my questionnaire, but also explicitly promoted it. I thank them again!
In the series of articles, after asking the questions, I always report the concrete facts and data from the questionnaire first, but I write my own, often differing opinion behind it, and I cannot hold back my sexological expert's view when analysing the motivations of a particular group of respondents.
Demographic data of respondents
60% of respondents are very active members of their community, and 30% go to worship/service/event once a week or less. 58 percent are male. 20 percent are between the ages of 18-30, and 30-30 percent are represented by those aged 31-40 and 41-50. I was pleased to note the participation of the older age group: 12 percent are 51-60 years old and 8 percent are 61-70 years old.
79 percent of respondents have at least a college degree. A total of 12 percent live in villages, all live in other towns. Also 79 percent are married. 13 percent are single, 8 percent are in a relationship but not living with a partner.
Sexual prohibition - turning away from God
Most surprising to me was the answer to the question, "Do you think that the many sexual prohibitions are moving seekers away from Christianity?". The majority, 66 percent, said no. In my experience, yes. Very much so. I wonder why they wrote no? Because they never tried to evangelize? That could easily be because the Catholic Church - and that is where most of my respondents came from - is less likely to call its congregants to evangelise than smaller churches. There is no campaign-style conversion. Adult outreach is more typical of smaller denominations and congregations, so they would have agreed, I suspect, that this is one of the biggest barriers to conversion.
Here, however, my assumption was disproved: only 18% said "yes, it removes it, and that's a problem". A similar proportion answered the other question on a similar topic ("Would there be many more Christians if there were no sexual prohibitions?") - the majority, 60 per cent, said no. (See the top graph in the figure below!)
Accepting dissent in the religious community
The questionnaire showed that few people are intolerant and would exclude more free-thinking people from their community. This is a reassuring and positive result, suggesting that there is room for dissent and genuine acceptance among believers. So what so many fear, the judgment of others, may not be so strong. This data alone could encourage a seeker of God to dare to come into community.
However, I would like to stress that the majority of my respondents are Catholic. I'm sure that in a small church the percentage of intolerant believers would be much higher, because it would be much harder to tolerate someone who thinks even a little differently on fundamental issues. At least that used to be the case, or at least that was my experience. As an adult convert myself, I was looking for my way. I went to many places and got to know different communities: that's where my experience came from. Finally I returned to the stove: I was baptised Roman Catholic and now I go to a Catholic community. Despite my baptism, I did not receive a religious upbringing; as an atheist, I experienced the existence of God for myself. I am an empirical believer: I believe only in what I have experienced, but very much so.
Sexual prohibition as an attraction of religious life
As you can see in the bottom cake of the above figure, my assumption that some people become believers because of sexual prohibitions is not unfounded. For those who make it such a priority, this is probably how they legitimise their asexuality and their aversion to sex. In other words, there are people who were drawn to conversion as adults precisely because of sexual prohibitions, because they were disgusted or afraid of sex. Disgust, fear, aversion to sex is not healthy, but it is not easy to face. In such cases, the solution to the problem can be postponed, for example, by moving into a community or society where this activity is already restricted. So it should be dealt with as late as possible, say after marriage, when it is possible to have sex. If you are 'lucky', you can choose a partner who is also averse to sex, so that you can live your life without having to force it. If, on the other hand, he or she chooses a partner with a healthy sexuality, a serious conflict between the two parties will arise. If the sex-seeking partner can unblock the sex-averse partner and get their partner to enjoy married life, the initial difficulty is well on its way. For many, however, this is not possible without the help of a sexologist. If they do not seek expert help, sex can become agonising for both of them. The person who is already averse to it suffers, and so does the person who sees that their partner does not want them and rejects them.
There are many reasons why someone might reject sex:
1. The most serious is the previous abuse, which can remain as a trauma in the mind and body of the individual. If he or she does not come to terms with this, even if he or she has sex with the loved one, the old trauma may resurface during the acts.
2. Another reason may be the partner's clumsiness, which causes the individual (usually a woman) to become more and more closed. It's no secret that for thousands of years women have tolerated sex as an unpleasant chore, not enjoyed it, and only did it out of necessity. Do you know the saying? "Leave it alone, you'll get out sooner"? That's what mothers have taught their daughters for generations. It's only recently that it's become common knowledge that sex can be good for women too. Many people blame male clumsiness on inexperience, but I don't think inexperience always goes hand in hand with clumsiness. It is true that in many cases, young people with a Christian upbringing do not receive sexual education, but you can make up for this yourself: by reading up, consulting a sexologist, preparing yourself in your mind for the beginning of sexual life. Even if you are a beginner, you can be successful if you are attentive to your partner. It is important that men do not learn how to treat women from pornographic films.
3. It can also be caused by body rejection, negative body image. In sexuality, we fully reveal ourselves to another person, and someone who is not satisfied with their body may not be able to dissolve in an embrace. This is what I call pleasure-seeking, and it affects women in particular, but I have also experienced it in men in my practice.
4. The need to perform can also be an inhibiting factor, fear of having to perform - this is typically the case for men. For those who have experienced premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, the fear of being caught may lead them to choose not to engage in physical intercourse and remain single.
5. Fear of getting pregnant or becoming pregnant may be a reason for refusing sex. How can you be free to enjoy the warmth of your partner's embrace if you are worried about the consequences!
There are many other reasons why someone might reject the idea of sexuality, but this is getting away from the original point. A final, important thought from the perspective of the person who is left in the lurch: it is bad for everyone's self-confidence and self-esteem if their partner regularly rejects them sexually. In my experience cervical cancer in many cases, this is exactly what is behind it. So in marriage, let us not use religion as an excuse to reject sex, but rather face ourselves and the real reason before it is too late.
